i got stung
it happened! i couldn’t believe it, i was in diegos class at the crib and we were practicing forearm balances. these are real hard for me. i injured my shoulder awhile ago and it just hasn’t been the same. i was near the wall and holding myself for a few breaths when he said to try out scorpion. a few days prior uschi had us working scorpion as well so i had some familiarity with it.
it was funny, the tips i had received from the various lulu ladies all started coming together with this pose. my heart started to scoop and i felt my fingers rooting intensely. it felt like i was there for awhile, my toes tapped my head and i let out a long exhale. a few breaths later i recognized what i was doing, i was in scorpion, not touching a wall! then i fell over.
before getting to ojai, i had checked out all the teachers websites. i have to say, i had quite a reaction to diego. i had all sorts of presumptions lined up, just another pretty boy yogi. so of course when i stepped on my mat i was feeling a bit smug. as if this man couldn’t be a good teacher because of a photo of him wearing a mobster hat. the class was very intense. lots of strong, powerful movements interspersed with different pranayama techniques.
the asana sequencing was similar to my home practice so i enjoyed that. but it was his demeanor that truly clicked with me. he held the space with a subtle strength and compassion that i couldn’t deny. with or without a mobster hat. i was constantly cracking a smile at myself for being so judgemental. diego was my favorite at the crib along with schiffman.
and i held scorpion. back in june at the teacher training we were all asked about our goal pose. that one asana we really want to get. hearing a yoga teacher openly wondering about our goals was a relief. there are some fun contradictions in a lot of eastern philosophy. ‘the path is the goal’, ‘strive for no striving’, ‘cultivate nonattachment, but do not become attached to not being attached’. kiras question allowed me to feel like a person, a person with struggles.
my goal pose was scorpion. five months prior, there i was in the lulu studio stating my desire to attain scorpion and then there i was in the same studio in scorpion. that idiosyncrasy is for another post. i got it. all weekend, whenever i had the chance, i’d inform people of my achievement. and then something real weird happened.
for the past two weeks since the crib, i’ve done yoga once. yup, once. my home practice has totally fallen off and the four classes i have taught were not very inspiring. at first, i marked it off to the weather, then i told myself there just aren’t any teachers around here. then i just stopped putting energy into my lack of practice.
last night i was getting kinda agitated, i noticed i have been in an irritable mood for over a week now. i sat down in baddha konasana and felt a bit better so i started some introspective thinking (introspective thinking is the 21st century method of vipassana, just so you know). ‘i always do this’ i said to myself. ‘i get into something, yoga, climbing, bowmaking, travel, relationships, blogging, whatever with a goal in mind. a target. a place i need to get. then i get there and i am done.’ and here it is with yoga. i held scorpion for a bit, felt great about it and then, kerplunk, no need for yoga anymore. i sat there for a bit, did some seated poses and went to bed feeling pretty uneasy.
so i get into things with goal in mind. and if i make that goal, i’m done. which i guess is the essence of all those eastern contradictions. i can quote zen koans, sit in vipassana for a few hours and do some intense backbends at will (not scorpion, tried it this morning. hilarious.) but thats where i get stuck. i feel like i am at a classic plateau: intellectually, i get it. i can explain it and extoll its virtues, but i’m hung up on the doing. i think there is something more about the being that i am missing.
it feels good to write this, to get this out. for the most part, i’ve been self-taught in my yoga practice, in my climbing, bowmaking, definitely in my relationships and travel. introspection and self-confidence are wavering into solipsism. learning from books and random classes has done me real well. though listening to diego talk about his self taught journey is inspiring, i just don’t have it right now. i think its time for a teacher. kira? diego? kali? any of you wanna move to utah?






