pose X

my expectations are crafty. they tease and taunt me into trying new poses, foods, countries and crafts that many times have proven to be excellent endeavors. they also convince me to stay in my chair and find another yoga site explaing how to do pose ‘x’ before trying it out myself. these thoughts tell me that though my hips are pretty bendy, those noodly arms aren’t quite ready for that pose, no matter how effortless tara stiles appears. so sometimes (more often than not, but who’s counting?) i give in to these expectations and months go by. i end up forgetting about pose x without ever trying it and then the pose morphs and the expectations run around all over again.

baso was sitting out on the grounds of the monastery, meditating. he was in perfect zazen. the master was walking around and happened to come upon him. ‘what are you doing there? sitting like that?’. baso answered him without breaking his focus, ‘i am practicing zazen’…

last night i completed the den mothers final assignment and this morning decided to give it a run through. it was an adaptation of a sivananda series that will be posted soon. i left a big option near the end. i simply wrote out ‘arm balance playtime’. not sure what i wanted to do with this, i started the series anyways. the standing poses gave me more agitation than usual. trikonasana is proving to be the motherlode of expectations. my hamstrings, oh my hamstrings. i fell into my thoughts and came out of the pose after 3 breaths, same on the other side.

…’why are you practicing zazen?’ the master queried. ‘to become enlightened’ baso answered again without losing focus. the master grinned a little…

i let myself drop back into down dog. teaching my hammies a lesson. my head was all over the place… i was still in the training at lulu’s. thinking of that community and the nurturing that went on there. then my mind went wandering again… i was in moab telling myself how there is no community there. how i am there totally for myself and really not looking forward to going back. so i went back to lulus. i did this again and again. thinking of how great it was where i was and how bland it is where i am going. i went to do the ashtanga jump thing into navasana. my left foot dragged and folded upside down. unbelievable. that hasn’t happened to me in months.

…the master sat down and picked up a stone. he spat on it and started polishing it with his robe. ‘master, what are doing?’ baso asked. ‘i am polishing this stone, baso’. ‘master, why?’ the master looked at baso quite earnestly…

i tried the jump through again. this time the right foot dragged along the mat with as much grace as a coat hanger on a chalkboard. i sat there and checked the timer. damn, only 20 minutes into what should be an hour and a half series. my head took off again as my left foot started to swell. i gave up because i couldn’t finish the series, it wasn’t long enough. i’d like to say that i had some revelation. that something amazing happened. in fact, i sat there wondering why something fantastic wasn’t happening. why was my body taking so much away right now? why did i leave ojai, my hometown?

back at lulu’s i had so much fun with yoga. one of my favorite days was the last day when we played with all the arm balances. galavasana had been a pose in my mind for a while. i knew it would come one day when i became stronger and more ‘fit’. when kira began explaining that pose all the expected doubt was still there until i put my right leg across my arms.

this pose falls into the pose x category. it incorporates a bunch of fear for me. starting with standing on one leg in a half lotus. not the most graceful fella when it comes to balance. the forward fold itself is tough enough with these hammies. getting my leg across my arms proved to be a bit easier than i thought with these rubbery hips though. as i was thinking this i naturally started trying pose x again. in the studio i had a hard time doing this pose with my left leg on my arms.

i was in that fuck it mindset so i tossed the left leg across my right thigh. with the right leg bent i began to fold forward. my hands came to the ground as my shin found its place across my petite triceps. the left foot came to life and i watched my toes hook around my right arm. i remembered kira mentioning that here is where the fear sets in, bending the arms can be scary. i really wanted to stay there at lulu’s, listening to kira with all those attractive people to look at but my arms started to bend and my face eked closer to the floor. my hands were pushing down and spreading wide as i let my navel pull back. right here is the hardest point for me, sending that right leg out and up. i had to start with my toes and let the energy draw my leg away rather than push it out from my hip.

…’baso, i am polishing this stone into a mirror.’ ‘master, that is not possible.’ ‘you tell me a stone can not show me my self yet you do nothing but sit there expecting to become enlightened.’

once i felt my leg straighten i noticed a lightness that started in my palms and coursed up to my navel. i found my foundation there, at my navel, suspended almost two feet of the ground. i was aware of how integral the balls of my feet had become and how the toes direct so much of that energy. sure, i can lift my leg higher so it is in line with my spine. and i can root my palms a bit more. and if i do that it’ll look more like this ad on page 48 in LA yoga and less like my self in galavasana.

p.s. baso went on to become a great zen master. supposedly his enlightenment showed up after right after the little story above. and my left foot is still swollen.