flexibility... more than physical

i truly enjoy what my body can do. i have been blessed with a naturally flexible body. i have known this for a while now. i’ve been that guy who can put his foot behind his head or step way too high on the wall to tie his shoe. and then i started yoga a year ago. bang! wow, i had no clue what this body’s potential would be. immensely open hips, shoulders that turn so far around and a spine willing to bring my toes to my forehead. a new toy!! what else can it do?

like most people who get something they want, i immediately put my new toy to use. and like some people, i used my new toy too much. the hips lost some strength, the shoulders found new ways to recognize pain and the spine… wow, the spine. after backbending, i would get headaches, cramps would come from nowhere in muscles i had long forgotten about. and this was just the beginning.

the idea of heart opening really intrigued me. that is why i dove into the backbends. i was seeking emotional flexibility as well. how could i better serve my clients? can i make myself a more giving and accepting lover? if i learn to open more, won’t i then be in a better place to receive? the more i explored this the more i learned about my own history and patterns of emotion.

as it turns out, emotional flexibility was something i already had. just as i was given open, flexible hips, i was given an ability to listen and care rather deeply for people. something like empathy. and just as i jumped into backbending without heed to warming up and maintaining awareness to prevent injury, i had been extremely flexible in my relationships without maintaining awareness to prevent, well, a whole lotta bullshit. many, many times i would compromise and listen without stating where i was at. without giving myself a chance to be listened to.

this created habits and patterns that were out of balance, much like my physical yoga practice with the asanas. heart opening, physically and emotionally, comes naturally to me. preparing myself for the unknown outcome does not.

i’ve wondered why this has come to be. i spent time in therapy, i spent time giving therapy. i read about codependency, i read about being in healthy relationships. i got in healthy relationships, i left when i saw them as unhealthy. it wasn’t until i began practicing yoga, not just asana, that i began to stop pondering the why and started pondering the how can i change. i know that i should not try viparita salabasana two days in a row, but i do it anyways. i know i should have walked away from that relationship two days ago. but i still did both. habits and patterns do not go away simply by will. action is necessary. i must be willing to get uncomfortable to allow space to grow and then actively seek these uncomfortable places.

this scared me. i don’t want to stop being emotionally flexible, i like listening. i don’t want to stop letting my feet touch my head, i feel energized. so i finally put into place what my therapist said years ago…. take time for yourself. simple, i thought, too simple for me. backbends are for me, emotions are for me. yet, taking time for myself means taking time for all of myself. sometimes this means putting just as much attention towards childs pose as i do for king pigeon. sometimes it means saying ‘i love you’ and walking away. i can’t force someone to accept what i give anymore than i can force my body into a forearm balance.

yoga is teaching me that by properly warming up, taking time off and utilizing the bandhas, i can protect my body while exploring its potential as opposed to shying from it. emotionally, i am learning similar lessons. my heart may be open, but that does not mean i don’t need to do a little dusting of the ventricles every now and then.

warrior 2 has been my go to pose these past few weeks. solid, grounding with the legs while allowing my hips to open along with my heart. shoulder blades come out and away so i can replenish myself. and the spine gets space as it rises straight up. for me, its the legs, the grounding foundation that gives me ability to remain stable and accepting while maintaining a willingness to accept where this flexibility may take me.