inspiration

where does it come from? how do i remain inspired? because i get bored so quickly. its hard to commit to practicing things when i am not inspired. forward folds, taxes, washing my car, monogamy, low fat mayonaisse. so i read books, lots and lots of books. ganga white, katsuki sekida, baldwin, sutras, how-to’s, how not to’s. i go to classes as well. the idea of the sangha is very important to me. i like being around people. the words in the books and the energy of the sangha keep me excited and balanced.

balance, now theres a loaded word thats being tossed around these days. balance, how can i remain so? i can not. i shift constantly. emotionally, physically, yogically (?), always in flux. my ashtanga practice has suffered due to my lack of inspiration and imbalance. i have never committed the primary series to memory because it bores me. as i stated in a previous entry, i like the arm balances and backbends a lot. so i put together sequences of other poses that inspire me.

if you’re thinking that due to this my practice might be suffering, you are right. i have attempted to do wide legged forward folds everyday, it didn’t last. instead i went into it and wondered if i could lift myself in sirsasana 2.

the other night i got caught in the youtube. i was looking for hamstring stretches. not like i needed to find some, i just needed an excuse not to do them right then. after a few vids of forward folds i became unbelievably bored. so instead of getting up and doing something, i typed in ‘arm balances’. oh whoa is me, the beast of boredom got me! after a few of these i typed in ‘handstand’. very very bad idea. lots of the vids were of bboys/breakdancers. this one guy, timmyconditioning, would hold his inversions for well over two minutes. i was watching this and scowling, thinking to myself ‘he doesn’t do yoga, he shouldn’t be able to do this. i should.’ totally forgetting how much i respect and love breakdancing.

ego. hows that for a loaded term. how much time have i spent contemplating eradicating my ego? i don’t know, but i bet its more than i have spent trying handstand. i was getting jealous. jealous of some dude who could stand on his hands in the uk. luckily i caught myself. i was giving myself a headache with my unintentional scowl. i read his bio and watched some more of his vids. he was amazing.

inspiration, thats what his post was supposed to be about. where does it come from? i thought of a class that uschi taught awhile ago. she was talking about getting into your dark side. i remember thinking ‘where is my dark side?’ ‘am i so deep in it i am ignorant of it?’ ‘or am i too far removed to recognize it?’ well, i am definitely not too far removed from it as the above paragraph explains. i am still teetering back and forth. getting angry and frustrated for no reason sometimes. sometimes forgiving and thanking for no reason either. i don’t where i am at right now, but the jealousy i felt, the threat to my ego, totally inspired me.

after watching the internet for waaaayy too long, i started trying some of these handstands. at 2:30 in the am. i was sore the next day and still thinking about what i had seen. that night, last night, i got back from a yoga class feeling relaxed and warmed up. i unrolled my mat and went through a bunch of arm balances.

eka pada bakasana

i ended up trying a few poses i had never attempted. one footed crow was one of them. i was totally surprised that i could get into it. and then surprised again at how hard it was to come out.

galavasana

poses i had done before felt fuller and came to me with more ease than before.

cousin it trying locust.

and for the first time i was able to hold locust for awhile.

afterwards i felt great. i felt strong. something i have never felt nor believed myself to be. i felt, well, like i accomplished something, i had attained a goal. feelings that aren’t always favored among yogi’s, yet essential. i am finding that its ok to strive for an asana. mainly because in that striving so much of myself is laid bare. the dark corners that i try to ignore become the places that i have to hang out in for awhile. i get to sit and chat with my jealousy. my ideas of inferiority and i have some tea, though i always serve it too hot. sometimes i can talk my away around this dark stuff but usually i need to do something about it. like trying crow with one foot extended.

sometime ago i was reading about taoism and the yin/yang symbol. for some reason the only thing i remember is this little quote about the symbol

‘within every extreme lies the seed of it opposite’

i like that.

kali face koundinyasana