winter revisited

its rather apparent now that i have a had a real tough winter. lots of money issues, getting dumped, parents aging and just plain loneliness took a toll on me that i was not aware of until it was too late.

i’ve spent the last week trying to sort out this mess and get going again. what happened? why did i crash so hard after doing so well? damn yab/yum. the first thing i did was get back into yoga. the primary series to be exact, the order and structure of ashtanga really allowed me to focus amidst all this emotional distress. and during this series i did find something. i’ve been aware of the lopsidedness of my practice, arm balances and backbends but ignorant of why this is so. i was getting really frustrated in the balancing poses of the primary series, so i would just go into arm and back stuff.

it started to dawn on me that standing on one foot is scary for me. the subtle dynamics draw me into my body and urge a less intense introspection than i am used to. i like the big ‘a-ha!’ moments, like when i find stability in peacock or a floating chatturanga. the little things, my weight shifting from big toe to heel in tree don’t catch my attention. i don’t think its that important.

so this winter, when my company didn’t have the money to pay me i didn’t look at the little things this may effect. i had savings and i knew that in the long run it’d all work out fine but i couldn’t see how my little stressors snowballed. most of this money stress lead to hanging out in my house a lot because i was saving money. in turn, i called someone a lot. i was bored and looking forward to something. over a few weeks this became overwhelming for both of us. all my weight was on my big toe and she saw me getting ready to fall.

at the same time i simply stopped practicing. i stopped paying attention to my alignment. i was standing there in tree with my butt sticking out, my base leg all bent and leaning way over. no awareness.

and then it all came down. my stress about money slowly transferred to a relationship and it died before i knew it. i never thought i’d let something like that happen. it felt like my whole reason for coming to moab just fell apart. the job crumbled and i never found that community i know now i really need. and then my backbends got real stiff.

i’ve written before about the generousity of backbends but i’ve never really experienced how taxing that can be. my body is simply set up for backbends and after getting some reading tips from arturo i’m starting to see how that correlates to my personal life,emotionally, financially, etc. it seems that my nature is to be patient, to give, to be there for struggling lovers or for struggling companies ( i just now decided to push for the money owed). this sounds real yin to me but it manifests in a real yang practice. which on its own can be unhealthy, obviously. a super intense physical practice while tending towards an emotionally draining personal life.

though i’m still sad, things feel a lot better. i feel a lot better. relationships are risky but i am not going to just run from them. hoefully i can learn not to repeat the same mistakes, namely pay attention to stressors and keep them from getting entangled. more important, working on the standing poses. probably not dancer though.